Okay, so it's Thursday, May 31st in the late afternoon. It's been a busy day and I hurt from head to toe. Literally. I tried an Advil but even that didn't help!! I just hurt and I want it to stop! My fibromyalgia is just really bad. 

I haven't blogged for a long time. Between my friend, Anne, having ovarian cancer, going down to pick her up in Portland and the long drive home, then dealing with Dennis's mom who has dementia and is kind of nutty, (I think), most every day, then Memorial Day weekend - two cookouts (us as hosts), I am just tired out. I also feel like perhaps I need to go back on an anti-depressant medication. Seems like I either feel like crying, sleeping, laughing uncontrollably at things that seem to not be as funny to anyone but me, being grumpy, feeling hurt (will explain more later.) Plus, I just can't shake these bad dreams I  have almost nightly. They leave me with a hauntingly eerie and empty feeling. During the day I get glimpses of these dreams in my day to day activities, and it unnerves me. And, my youngest daughter, who has Crohn's Disease and gallbladder issues, told me about a test she was having done on Tuesday, but for some reason I have no recollection of her telling me anything at all. She swears she did. Honest, I do not remember. I am just thankful that the test turned out pretty good. I did apologize to her for not remembering...maybe I just didn't hear her. 

I think the most hurtful thing that happened this week was this. Yesterday was my oldest daughter's 46th birthday. I asked her earlier in the week if she wanted to have dinner and cake on her birthday and she said no, she would rather do it this coming weekend. I found out later that her father and his wife took her and her husband out to dinner. I know this shouldn't be an issue but it has been an ongoing issue since we divorced when she was 3. For all those years, he didn't even want anything to do with her or her older brother until they were in their 30's. He even let them be adopted by another man. He was my first boyfriend and I became pregnant in my senior year of high school. He told me I surely couldn't get pregnant the first time, and being as naive as I was, I believed him. Yup, 9 months later I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

 We married 2 days after my high school graduation, he left 2 days later as he was in the Navy (he'd been drafted just when I found out I was pregnant.) Oh, and did I mention when he came back to marry me, he had Yellow Fever? The fun just never ends. I ended up in Perryville, MD, during the summer that year. Hotter than Hades! A small trailer, 10 feet from the railroad tracks. The trailer shook so badly every time the train went by, that anything on a shelf or countertop jumped off and broke. No air conditioning, pregnant, morning, afternoon, evening sickness, I thought I was going to die. Finally, I ended up coming back home, thanks to mom and dad. I guess they finally realized that the one-way plane ticket home would be much less than the collect phone calls I made to them at least twice a day from an outside phone booth. 

 I remember putting Colgate toothpaste on one of the stains on my husband's white Navy Uniform shirt as I did not have the energy to go to the laundromat and wash it. I was never so glad to get away from anywhere in all my 17 (yes, seventeen) years. 

But, did I learn? No, of course not. He was stationed in Italy and wanted me to come - so of course, I went. I.D.I.O.T!!!! Flew into Rome with a 5 month old baby. He had promised to meet me there...3 hours later I finally found a Naval officer who could speak English and help me. Luckily for me, he was headed to Naples, so he took us there too. When the Naval Officer located my husband and asked why he had not picked me up...his excuse was "Oh, they came today? - huh - I musta forgot. Hahaha... - no, not so funny!" 

I never saw him. He was stationed on a Destroyer Tender in the Medeterrain Ocean. I lived in an apartment in a 'villa' where other Naval wives lived. I was the only one with a baby. But, thank heavens for the other wives. I never would have made it without them. So very homesick and so young. Of course, when he did come home I immediately got pregnant again. Flew home at 6 months pregnant as they would only let Military wives fly up until that point back in the day. 

There's too much more to tell right now. I am hungry and tired, so I'd better go eat. Maybe we can talk more about this tomorrow. 

Good morning!

Guess what!! I just found out I am going to be a great grandmother! I was so overcome with emotion that for a minute I didn't know quite what to do. Then, I knew exactly what to do! Lot's of hugs and tears. My first grandson will become a dad...how apropos! This new little one will enter our world somewhere around December. We have lots of December birthdays, but that's fine! We will welcome one more. We are so blessed! 

I hope all of the Mom's out in cyber land had a wonderful Mother's Day. I know I did. Den and my girls planned a wonderful cookout yesterday. Den's mom, Laura, came too so all in all it was very nice! 

Just a side note, I am a nut when it comes to cards. I know that cards have kind of fallen by the wayside, but I love, love, love getting a card. Especially from Dennis. He does not quite understand my love of cards, but he indulged me with a beautiful card and a gorgeous Azalea!! Pink, of course, my favorite color! Heather gave me a sweet card and a gorgeous new sterling and diamond bracelet (which I will probably wear until it wears out!), and Cassie gave me an adorable hedgehog planter with little yellow and pink flowers. 

One of my bonus daughters, Amber and her youngest son, Cullen, came down earlier in the day and she gave me a beautiful hanging begonia! I mean, think about it, I am a step-mom. I have always loved Dennis's kids like my own, but to think she would take time from her busy schedule, buy me a gift and drive down from Brewer to deliver it and to visit for a while. Meant the world to me. 

Both of my boys, Corey and Jeremy, called me and chatted for a while. So good to hear from them. Corey actually 'face timed' us so we got to see the grandkids too. He was alone with all 3 as Emily had gone to New York for an interview at the University of Albany library. She should be back today. The older daughter, Oona, was sick. Vomiting all night and morning. Her twin brother Remy was being a typical almost 3-year-old wild boy!! And, Miss Zephyr, who just turned one, was running around and all smiles! Corey said it was a rainy and chilly day there. (Boston.) We were so fortunate to have nice weather here on the Island!

I am calling today to make an appointment with a bankruptcy lawyer. Just to see what it involves and if maybe we can save our house that way. I will write any updates as they come along. My friend recommended him so we will see what he says. It never hurts to try. 

I find myself looking around my house and thinking, "what do I want to keep and what do I want to sell. If I choose to keep it, where will I keep it? If I sell it, will I always regret it?" I know these questions only can be answered by me (and Dennis), it's just so hard. Seems everything has a story! So hard to part with them. Maybe I should write down a little memory of each item that we have to part with. I could do it on the computer as I type a heck of a lot faster than I write!! I'm going to look into storage facilities, too.

I am a little worried even though Dennis's mom has said we can live in her house. She is 87 and her memory seems to be failing a little bit. I can foresee this turning into a huge, confused mess when the time comes. Dennis doesn't agree with me, but I sense it in my gut. Usually, when I sense things like this, it always happens. My gut is a great predictor of present and future events.

I have decided that if I had to be some kind of a 'creature' other than a human, I would be a bird. I love the thought of being able to spread my wings and fly. Plus, I love to sing and so do birds. I watch the yellow finches, purple finches, cardinals, chickadees, nuthatches and on and on, land on our bird feeder and their simple, yet complicated, beauty amazes me. Of course, the hummingbird is my favorite. Their iridescent colors intrigue me. I love the way they 'hover' in one spot and can move their little bodies vertically with such ease. So, a hummingbird it is. I know they struggle and overcome huge obstacles during their winter journeys, but that is what I have done all my life. They are survivors and so am I.

My positive thought for the day is: I love all the different green colors of spring! They are so beautiful! It brings me joy...and what is better than that?

Wonderful Wednesday!

So, I've been away for a while. Last Monday, I decided to drive down to Boston to visit my son and his family. It's been quite a while since I've seen them (except for Corey) so it seemed like a good idea. It was very "spur of the moment." I left here about 1:00 and arrived at Corey's at 5:30. It was a good drive. Nice weather until I got to Somerville, then it was a little gray. My grandchildren, Remy, Oona, and Zephyr were glad to see me. The twins, (R & O),  will turn 3 in June and Zephyr has just turned 1. Spent a few days with them then drove back home on Friday. It was very hot while I was there. The outside temp was above 90 and the apt. inside was almost that hot - about 86 or so. Needless to say, I was very uncomfortable. I like hot weather, but to me 85 is hot! And, I need to have it much cooler inside. 

I just was feeling very closed in here last Monday when I made the decision to drive down. I felt if I didn't get away, I was going to scream. I wasn't angry, or depressed, just had the feeling of things closing in around me. After my visit, I decided that it is much more 'closed in' there than it is here. A small apartment, 3 sweaty children, two parents, one grandmother in a very hot space! Corey's oldest son, Alex and his girlfriend, came over for a visit one evening. It was really nice to see Alex. He seems to be doing well. 

I wanted to say that I have kind of come to terms with leaving my house for good. I really have no choice so it will be much easier for me to just go along with things. I just hope we end up having a place to live. It's really hard for me to imagine being on the street at age 65. Dennis's mother has said we can live in her house, but I just have this feeling that she doesn't actually realize what it all means. I guess we'll find out.

I have been in touch with a debt correction company and they are willing to help negotiate smaller payments for me and perhaps be able to dissolve some of the debt as well. This will be extraordinarily helpful. I am feeling much more positive about this part of my life.

David, I am wondering if you are able to read these. I have seen no comments or even any indication of anyone reading them. I kind of feel like it's a waste of my time. I am hoping you will acknowledge receipt of them and make some reference to the content.

That's all for now. It's been a beautiful sunny week so far, hoping for a continuance of these days through the weekend!